CDD Boot Camp Day 17

Things have been interrupted in the middle again and its irritating me. Not really HOH's fault or mine but life got in the way. I have to say though that I feel firmly planted in my role and that he is in his. So this week will end Boot camp. Although he will reserve the right to institute it at anytime again. A whole lot is not really going to change. I will still be punished (with or without reason) and I will still be answering to him. I am ok with that. In fact I rejoice in that. I want him to continue to push me and help me to grow in ways I can't imagine. So ends this part of the journey, but the larger picture goes on.

I have racked up quite a bit of punishment and HOH has not been able to deal with me properly. the stress of success has caused me to slip in my obedience and respect and will very soon atoning for my sins. Hoh is firm but fair and I appreciate that.

I will continue to be punished everyday until my sentence is complete and though kids and life have gotten in the way> we will be revisiting boot camp weekends soon I am sure.

I am so proud of HOH, he has really come into his own and embraced his role in all this and helped me to understand mine. He IS the head of the house, its not a question or a maybe but a fACT. I will not deny or challenge that. Hold on tight readers I am SURE I will be having a hard last days. Especially when I have been neglecting my duties for computer time.

God Bless

Mandy

New Item in My Wardrobe

My HOH mentioned that he wanted me to have something like the black garter
because he can never remember when I have earned discipline. He decided a
choker was perfect.
I made the choker. Whenever I have been bad (not for maintenance or discretionary discipline) and earned a punishment I have to wear it and write in my naughty book what I did (it actually says naughty). I f you want to know where I got it just let me
know. The choker. Its very pretty and has a cross, but it reminds him that I need to be punished for my actions. Only he can take it off and only aftermy punishment has been carried out. He will also carry it in his pocket toremind me to be good or it will go on. its really noticeable and probablywill be complimented from time to time but that brings me shame because I know the real reason I am wearing it. It serves two fold. I also made a pretty white one to wear just because. It has inspiration rings that say wife/mother with his initial. It is really working as a visual reminder when
I am in trouble and he thinks I look great in chokers which it why he chose that. If you are interested in having one made for you, just let me know. I am working on setting up an Etsy store just for the chokers. Many saying available in sterling or plated silver.

God Bless,

Mandy

CDD BOOT CAMP DAY 5 "POINT OF NO RETURN/FANTASY"

CDD DAY 5 Point of No Return/Fantasy

Readers, I have decided to do two different posts in one today. Two things that have been on my mind for a while.

I have dreamed about this day for so long, similar to when I joined the military. You plan, join, and get ready to leave for boot. Soon after getting there you realized there is no going back. Not because you are running from where you were, but because of where you are going. You know its going to hurt (A LOT) and be the MOST challenging experience of your life but somehow you can’t help but move forward because the pain endured is nothing compared to going back. That is how I feel now. My HoH has changed considerably in the last few days. I think he’s as surprised as me, but I have to say I love the new him. I love the attentiveness, the closeness, and yes even the discipline. I love how he holds himself to a higher standard because he holds me to one at all. Most of all I love how loved I feel. I know he will protect me at all costs, even from myself. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy. I get in my own way and I often put myself last on the list if at all. So its nice, actually wonderful to have someone that loves me so much that he will spank me good to make sure I don’t lose sight of what’s important.

So as I was saying, I think we have reached that point. I don’t know where we will end up but I am glad we are moving forward. Although this lifestyle is consensual I didn’t want an easy out. When I wrote our contract I wrote that we will be committed to this as we are to our own marriage, so to me to stop would be divorce.

Five days after we started this journey (for real this time) we can see the results already. Although I am not perfect, not even close, I am having real moments of submission.

God Bless,

Mandy AKA Brat Princess


Fantasy

When HoH and I first met and courted we tried BDSM. I wanted to be owned. To be a pet that was used for sexual pleasure mostly and was the property of another person. Everything would be dictated to me from what to wear, how to speak, when to speak, how to obey without question, etc. After the primary training sessions of course, sounds like the military huh? Gee I wonder why I joined. We tried this on a regular basis but DHoH decided he didn’t want a robot but a wife with thoughts and ideas of her own.

So I abandoned the idea cursed to live a vanilla existence forever *sigh*. After a couple years of marriage that crept into my bones again and I started looking googling BDSM and the bible to see if it was ok. I found domestic discipline and realized what I really wanted was a strong man to control me to an extent like you control a fire. Not allowing the light to go out without letting it burn up everything around it. I was like that flame, fiery temper, and the ability to consume anyone around me if not carefully and thoughtfully restricted. Even though we are growing in this arrangement and are reaching new heights, part of me misses the fantasy. The sex slave and her master, the naughty school girl and her principal, etc. I really miss playing around a little and seeing where it takes us, even if only for one night.
Now while I believe that wifely submission is biblical and that my husband is the authority in the home and has the means to back up that authority with real discipline, part of me wants to be spanked for fun. Why can’t we have both? I won’t pretend that I don’t get a little moist after a spanking mainly because it’s a HUGE turn-on to see him take charge. I want more, something like this.

I get called into his office because I was mean to my teacher and haven’t been getting to school on time. I am dressed like a schoolgirl; complete with pig tails (which turn him on for some reason) and knee high socks. He scolds me, spanks me, and then makes love to me.

Is that really so wrong? Does it always have to be discipline? I know he likes to separate true discipline and sex but what about pretend discipline?

GOD BLESS,

MANDY THE BRAT PRINCESS

CDD BOOT CAMP DAY 4 No is a Four Letter Word

I am doing two posts back to back because I am a little behind, and I have neglected my blog a little I am really sorry for that.

CDD Boot camp Day 4 NO is a Four Letter word

I don’t mean literally obviously but I have been informed I am not allowed to say NO! Meaning not to an order. I can answer no, Sir but I can’t just blurt out no without reason.
If I have an objection, then I need to respectfully say so. I have to say having this restriction on my speech is a little to get used to but it is also helping me to realize that he is in charge. He is the authority that I must obey. Not just because I ultimately want to but also because My Lord wants me to. I am called to obey my husband in all things as the bible plainly says on many occasions.

Ephesians 5:22-24, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord, For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body, Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing."

"Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement." -1st Peter 3:6

Furthermore I really don’t want to say no, I want him to challenge me more. I want him to take my submission to a new level and have me do things I wouldn’t want to but that will help me grow. I hate to say sometimes I only say no because I want to challenge him and help him grow…:P

I want to see what he will do, if he will follow through. However I hit a point that I don’t want to challenge him anymore. I just want to follow. There is still resistance in me, in my heart that says. “If you submit fully he will stop”. I am still afraid if I don’t resist he won’t “bring down the hammer” so to speak. Whenever I am cooperative in my punishments I end up feeling NOT spanked enough and resentful and the weird thing is that is even if I wasn’t resentful to begin with. So how do I get the spanking I really want and NEED and still obey him? That’s what has me bratting. That notion that sometimes I need a good, long, hard spanking and the ONLY way I can get it is to be bad. So I guess this new rule isn’t so bad, because it will take me a while to get the hang of it and in the mean time I won’t be short of the spankings I need.


GOD BLESS

MANDY THE BRAT PRINCESS

CDD BOOT CAMP Day 3 "Yes, Sir"

I think we all have rituals that at first we find silly or seem to be unable to do without a smirk or giggle. To me this is the "yes sir" ritual. Anytime I answer or am given an order I am to say "yes sir". It's not that hard I know and it's not that I don't believe I should follow this rule but it seems no matter how hard I try I slip at least three times a day. I know this is new he didn't require this before and now its hard for me. Why, I am not sure maybe because it makes me feel small and young. I don't know, but regardless of how hard it is for me I am doing my best to follow this rule. Maybe because it feels contrived, but I am supposed to see him the closest authority in my chain of command.

Despite my best efforts last night was bad. I am so ashamed of what I am writing now, what I said to him and really I don't know why I was so upset. I had received little reminder punishments for forgetting the "yes sir" and a few other minor incidences. Not really much just a few swats. However I knew I was still due my nightly punishment spanking. My HOH had gotten into this habit of awarding punishment and not following through in the past, because he waited too long and was tired or was being gracious and let me off the hook. Either way doesn’t work for me. I don’t care what he orders or says he will do I want him to see it through; I need him to. I need to know that he will follow through and if I can trust him on small things, then I could learn to trust him on big things and later everything. So there would never be defiance in my mannerisms because I gave over all things happily. It was getting late and once again he waited to do the deed and I was afraid if I didn’t intervene it would end up being a stack of punishments that got so big that I would faint to receive them. Me trying to control the situation again, yes I admit it, I was pushing his buttons and then I took back that great act of submission when I said “don’t expect me to swallow next time”. He then would no longer talk to me; he would ignore me completely and was in complete silence. I was so upset. I didn’t know what to do. I tried crying, yelling, throwing stuff, everything DD is supposed to prevent. Then in act of total defiance I took all my schedules, charts, and everything else and threw them in the fireplace, I stopped short of burning my paddle. Then I lit them on fire. There was no more fire in the fireplace so I had to go one step further and burn them myself. I cannot believe I did this and I don’t understand the motivation behind it but I must say that I backslid quite a bit and only got a "warm up" for now. I use quotes because it wasn’t a warm up (a pretty severe punishment actually) but it’s not by a long shot the end of my punishment. This is added to the nightly punishment I already get. Needless to say I won’t be “sitting pretty” for a while.

Yes Sir is getting easier for me to say, so I would like to say that a habit is forming. I hope all the conditioning goes this way. I am starting to see him truly in his God-given role and I am starting to let loose the reigns and hand them to him.

In God’s Love,

Mandy

CDD BOOT CAMP DAY 2 CDD is a Journey NOT a Destination

After the challenges I faced head on (no pun intended) I figured day 2 would be a little easier, however I need to learn that just because he doesn't say anything, doesn't mean he's not thinking about it or he has forgotten. I am for once not trying to excuse, talk, plead, or bully my way out of a punishment. I am seeking them out. i want to be made accountable for my actions and I want them to become fewer and fewer until they are resolved. I am finding some difficulty in that process. One thing my HOH is saying to me is why do I have to keep spanking you for this offense? Why do I have to spank you for attitude all the time? Well Rome wasn't built in a day and I am not going to change overnight, just like he won't. If he wants me to give him time to reflect and change at his own pace, shouldn't I be afforded that same courtesy? We are only on Day 2 of our refocusing and he is already wondering why we have to have this song and dance again? Well one is because I am an insufferable brat. I'll admit it and in these wee days of our journey I have rather persistently testing my boundaries, and his resolve. I'll admit that openly. I think we all do. We are told not to speed and know we will get a ticket but in the heat of the moment it doesn't matter. Do I like to be spanked? Of course I do, when its firm and playful and he's not mad at me or I don't have something to attone for absolutely. When he's dissappointed, angry (controlled), or irritated with me I HATE it. So why do I push especially now during BOOT CAMP when i know the toll is a lot higher than a normal day? I need to, I need to know if I totally lose it and go crazy that he will be there like a brick wall to keep me from falling off that cliff. I need to trust in him in so many ways and seeing him "show up" to the task time and time again does that for me.

Now there are some rules on this voyage that I am having a hard time adhering to because of my own lazy habits. I hate to say it, but I am not a service minded person and I understand in our walk with God/Christ we should be. I actually resent sometimes doing things for my family. I don't say this proudly. In fact I am deeply ashamed. I love being a mom, wife, etc., but when it comes to nuts and bolts of that I will do it but not with a happy servants heart. If my husband asks me to get him a drink its a burden to me, because I am focused somewhere else. How is that even in the same realm as "Christ-like"? The answer is it isn't. So on to what I would like to get from this is the CHEERFUL servants heart. I want to feel excited about the journey of marriage. I want to get excited as I face the challenges, like I did in Navy Boot. CDD is doing just that. It's helping me to realize that being a servant isn't a bad thing. i am not beneath those I serve. I am just their helper, their confidante, and that in no way devalues me. In fact it raises my stock quite substantially. I hear people saying a disciplined wife is like an abused wife that she allows herself to be debased because she has low self esteem (in NON DD circles of course). I find the opposite is true, because when I submit properly to my punishment and I atone for my sins against my family, husband, marriage, God, etc., I start to feel a sense of accomplishment. After all I faced the fire head on I walked through knowing the pain. Instead of letting it consume me and reducing me to ashes I emerged stronger, better, and more eager to take on the next challenge.

Marriage is a journey, not a destination. There isn't a point that you can place a marriage on cruise control and expect everything to turn out great. Every marriage takes work, takes commitment, and takes sacrifice. CDD is the same way. There may come a time when I am spanked less (A LONG TIME FROM NOW) but my HOH is never going to be able to put me on "cruise control" and expect everything to be ok. Leadership is not a passive role. It is very active and requires a constant supervision and adjustment. Submission is not passive. It requires vigilance, sacrifice, and great commitment. Without both roles though it falls apart.

In conclusion while I am still reflecting on the first day and what I got from it, I am starting to see the puzzle come together. I am trying to keep in mind that my DHOH is learning TOO. The difference between this and other indoctrination/training programs is the leader KNOWS what he is doing, and has been trained to do it. He is finding his footing along with me and I need to remember that while he's a teacher, he's also a student.

God Bless

His Mandy

We have OFFICIALLY started out Boot Camp Day 1

***WARNING THIS HAS SOME ADULT CONTENT, IF YOU ARE OFFENDED PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE****

So not too long ago I had this problem with what a lot of HOH's were saying about what they make their wives do, but then I realized what they had is what I wanted. I want him to push my limits, not just spanking my bottom, but also giving me direction that I might not have chosen. I want him to show me a way I wouldn't have dreamed of and most of all I want him to challenge me. I don't mean argue or fight, I mean challenge me to my core. Take the reigns and lead me in a path I wouldn't have chosen for myself. Today was our first official day of our new "CDD Boot Camp". Although he can't be here all the time (he has to work) this will give him the opportunity to give me large and small orders and see how I handle them. He will have to be more "hands on" no doubt but I am willing to do WHATEVER it takes to make this happen.

So I was being insolent and he ordered me to the corner but not like before he told me parade rest. I didn't know what to make of this, he was serious. He had me stand there until I stood perfectly still in that position. It was challenging to say the least and I could hold it no more so I broke bearing. He then ordered me to do push ups, dirty dogs, and something else. I was so tired and this was before I was being punished. After a while he called me to him. I always kneel in front of him when I am being reprimanded or asking forgiveness. He then tapped me on the bottom and sent me on my way.

He wants to do what is called "submission exercises" that help me practice being submissive to him. He will take me in the hall and have me give him oral sex for a time being not all the way just enough to get him aroused and then he will dismiss me. Anal sex has also played a part in this as well, and I submitted to that too. He has me wear dresses (for this period) and no panties while the kids are away playing but it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. He also insists now that he shave me twice a month. Another order I thought would be hard. It wasn't and it still isn't. While he has never required me to go out in public without panties, he did say he reserves the right to have me remove them while we are out during this intensified CDD training. Tonight though was one I thought I wouldn't do no matter what. We were making love by the fire and I told him for these 21 days you own me! Totally I will not balk, or even question why you want to do something. I am totally yours. So I asked him where he would like to orgasm? I thought for sure he would say anal, but to my surprise he said, "in your mouth." I was floored and just frantically shook my head, "yes, Sir". That is how I must answer every order he gives, and he said I must swallow. I was a little put off but agreed (like I had a choice) I would be breaking the vow I gave him at the beginning of this. Plus I am afraid if I try to talk him out of anything right now he will shy away from ordering me again. So as we went I asked him if I would be punished if I did not comply, he said, "severely" and I was full of dread. It really wasn't that bad and I hopefully showed him what I am willing to do to be the submissive wife I need to be and in turn hope he will strive to be a wonderful HOH.

What I have learned from this experience is that submission is not real if its on my terms. If I dictate "limits" and what I will and will not submit to its not real. I want it to be real, to be second nature. That is my goal. During this time I have to ask for almost everything, I have limited computer time and detailed lists that are to be approved. He also has a daily chore list to ensure I am completing my chores effectively and can be inspected at any time. he has an eye for detail (was his job in the Navy) so I had better learn to start putting things where they go and get on point. He also awarded me nightly punishment spankings (maybe daily too if I am not careful) until further notice.

So I want a challenge, I want something that changes me little by little until I am grown into the woman I should be. If I could do it alone I wouldn't have asked to be spanked for every sin. Its bigger than me and I need his help. I hope Day 2 is as good or better. I can't wait to see what little surprises he has for me


Mandy

Why?

i know I haven't posted in a while and DH (HOH) have been little more than husband and wife until very recently. I wonder now if I seek something that can't be achieved. Do I want to have secrets? No not from my husband my favorite person. How can I call it a secret when no one seeks to know least of all my husband? I understand he trusts me, but why? I have shown very irrational behavior and I have a horrible record when it comes to being terribly impulsive so in the last week I had come to the conclusion he just doesn't care. Maybe I was wrong. I can't even say what it is that i want but I don't want that. How do I get to the point where I follow with little or no question? That I trust in his ability to lead (not in him I already to that) implicitly? He demands respect as he should, but what about me are my needs to be met as well? What if I need him to mold me, to break me down and build me up again? What if I want to learn that I can obey and not be betrayed and everything will be ok? I want him to be picky and restrict me at least for now so I can feel safe, and build a habit out of trusting him. After all if we are not going to take this by the horns then why even do it? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If we don't do it different this time then we will end up in the same place. How do I tell him for this 45 days I want him to be in my business, check my orders, micromanage, break me down. It's more than just spanking I want to feel submissive and obedient unlike now when i feel like I am just good until its time to be spanked again. I could give him ideas, map it out, tell him what to say and do just the way I like it, but that would be me controlling the situation again. i don't want control, I can't handle it, but someone has too if its not him it has to be me. Why won't he, what is he afraid of?

God Bless you all,

Mandy

Nights are lonely

ok so now Dh is working nights and sometimes I am so lonely I could cry. I want something from him that I rarely get. I feel like a mountain is over me and I don't know what to do. I want to be the strong woman and wife that God wants me to be but I find that no matter how hard I try I fall short, REALLY short. I never have time for myself anymore.

What does it mean to be a Submissive Wife?

I know a lot of feminist activists are going to want to lynch me when I say this but that movement killed femininity. The biggest lie we were ever told as women are the same as men, in the eyes of God we are equal heirs but we are not the same by any stretch of the imagination.

Ok I get it for thousands of years women were the property of men, we were their footstools and little more than baby making machines in the past, but there is a happy medium. We can be feminine, submissive and still maintain self respect and the ability to affect the world around us.

So a lot of people who know me don't live the lifestyle I do: where husband is head of the household instead of a brow beaten shell of a man like current trends would prefer him to be, ask me why? Why would you want to undo years of freedom in order to be a servant to your man and his desires? First of all that is far from true. I am no ones servant, except the Lord of course. I do not sit and pine for him to return and when he does greet him with slippers in one hand and beer in another like some outdated 50's sitcom (no offense to those that do), I have not had to give up my desires and dreams, I am just 2nd in command. I realized a long time ago that a ship can not sail with two captains, a car can not be driven by two people. What if they can't agree which way to go, they can't both be steering because the vehicle would crash and so have many marriages. I didn't want my marriage to be one of them.

Submission isn't about who can one up the other, or a husband having his wife at his beck and call. Its a gift a wife gives her husband on the condition that he always puts her needs ahead of his own and he loves her more than he loves himself. I can also argue that I don't have a choice but we always do. I could choose to serve God and obey his word or I can disobey God and my husband in one shot. God has decreed that husbands are to be the heads of their wives as Christ is the head of the church and we are to obey them in all things. God is at the top of my Chain of Command my husband is an under shepherd just over me. Another reason why I agree with my submission is that my husband will be judged not only for his sins but the sins and the condition of his HOUSEHOLD that God placed him in authority over. How is that fair if he also did not have the means to keep order and peace in his household.

Submission comes from the heart, you can submit your body but if your heart, soul, and mind don't follow you won't progress. One of the most profound moments in my life was when I realized our marriage is an example of what God wanted and if I needed to be spanked in order to maintain proper submission then that is what my husband would do without hesitation. I fell in love with him all over again.

God Bless

Mandy

BDSM Vs. CDD

At first glance CDD seems like an acceptable form of BDSM, but there are many differences. Before I talk any further please understand if you are involved in one or both I am not condoning or condemning the practice of BDSM, and those who have played in that arena, your way may be different but I am telling it as I remember from my younger years with my ex husband. The way I see it may not be the way it is, just as in CDD it is different for everyone.

First of all neither are to be forced on to another person, and can only be enjoyed within a safe environment. Having said that I will continue.

I hate bondage part so I will move on to the part I was addicted too and like any addict a taste is enough to make me fall off the wagon so I have to keep my distance, because that is a hard habit to break. I was referring to two parts Dominance/Submission and Sadomaschism.

To begin a little background, I was a 24.7 slave to my husband and I was his footstool. The slave (or sub) is the lowest on the totem pole and is made to do things simply for the sexual pleasure of the master. Punishments are doled out and while they can be severe they are for silly things or for no reason at all. Also these sessions are play, those involved usually have a safe word but it is all for one reason alone to spice up sex.

CDD on the other hand is about a relationship. I hierarchy and meeting of the minds and I am afraid that too many people sometimes focus too hard on the "spanking" part of the relationship. Like my HOH says it is a tool like many as his disposal. When I have earned a punishment from my husband there is no safeword. Its not for fun, or to spice up our love life. It happens for one reason alone: deter me from doing whatever it was that got me over his knee in the first place.
Now I won't lie, there is a certain tingling in those private areas whenever my man asserts his authority and means it, but that is not why I am OTK so to speak.

this is part one of a two part story. Check back soon for updates.

Sorry I've been MIA

To those who read this I am sorry I have been gone for so long and so much has happened, I will share in the next few blogs.

~MJ

Payment Table.

Sometimes I want to eat things (donuts, cookies, etc. ) that are not good for my diet and weight loss goals so DHOH and I came up with a Payment Table to allow me to "pay" for the goodies I want to consume.
Of course I still have to ask permission and they have to be authorized or payment is doubled or tripled according to the amount consumed. Of course this is to be completed immediately unless doubled or more then I have till Lights Out to complete it. This is also on top of any PT he assigned for other reasons including Daily Calisthenics or PT.

1 Donut or Cinnamon roll 50 sit ups, 20 push ups, 20 leg lifts and 10 eight count body builders
2 Cookies (homemade) 20 push ups, 20 side leg lifts [each side]
2 Cookies (bought) 20 push ups, 10 push ups
2 pc. Candy 10 push ups

of course this is only the beginning but more will be added.

* Explanation of what each exercise is will be added in a separate post.

Mandy's RULES

the four D's are a no brainer.

Disrespect

• Name Calling
• Gestures
  
• Yelling
  

Disobedience

• Not completing a task
• Ignoring a task
• Ignoring or not complying to an order
  

Dishonesty

• Telling of a lie
• Omission of pertinent information
  that results in a lie
  

Defiance

• Open and outright disobedience
  

There are more:

• Take my 1st med NLT (no later than) 1100 daily
• Take my 2nd NLT 1700 daily
• All items must be put away according to instruction.
• Close all cabinets every time they are opened including the ones in the closet
• Not to eat anything not healthy and good for my diet unless it is authorized and only
  have the amount that is authorized no more and be willing to pay from the Payment Table.
  

Punishments and Endurance Training DD Training Week 1

This week he has introduced all new punishments to me. Week 1 punishments

Misbehavior: Refusal to complete task

Punishment: Holding a toy at arms length for 2-3 minutes. OMgosh it hurt soooo bad and he kept saying hold your arms up higher (45 degree angle) then higher and higher till they were almost 90 degrees. My arms were shaking by the time he told me to recover and then I had to give him 20 push ups.

Misbehavior: Forgot my medication totally (all of them). This was a repeat (about 7 times) offense so he was understandably angry with me. It is offense if I don't take them at a certain time but to forget them altogether is unthinkable.

Punishment: I was told to stand in the corner (now at attention with nose touching the wall) and wait for him. It was really cold, we are trying to save money by not having the heat on if possible, so I was shaking and defiant. I HATE being cold. He told me to give him 20 push ups, then 20 crunches, then 20 leg lifts (will give definitions of how to do these in another post). The leg lifts were killing me. Then he had me do 20 4 ct. lungs but I could barely keep up. It really bothered me that I "fell out" but my legs were jello. Then he motioned for me to come to him and lay across his lap. I always have to come to him he won't come to me and if I don't submit I am in more trouble later. He removed everything I was wearing on my lower half and I layed across his lap. He started with a warm up to keep me from bruising but because it was cold in the room 68 deegrees and my skin was cold the spanking hurt a lot worse than it normally would. After about 30 swats he let me go in position {kneeling in front of him} and warned me that this would be a dream compared to what I would get if I EVER forgot my medication again. I was very grateful for his leniency but then felt guilty like I had gotten off easy. He let me no that there is no way I would have been released if he was not ready to end my punishment. I felt better that he truly was in control and I don't need to be.

On top of these I also recieved several maintenance spankings. And had to go stand at parade rest in the corner and do several push ups just because.

God Bless

MJ

DD training Week 1 Day 5H

During this weekend will be getting our home back together. I am ashamed to say how bad it has gotten and in this training stage I should really know better. So since our standards have completely fallen away (we can't seem to be consistent) B has decided that we are going to military standards of cleanliness and has ordered that we simplify greatly our living space. I am quite surprised I remember living on so little when I was in the military, when did I start to *need* so much stuff? When did my happiness center on how much we had even though we couldn't enjoy anything. I have to admit that it will take a great amount of discipline (for us both) in order to thin our home down to manageable.

He is not just talking about the glove test but how items are folded and stowed and he will inspect, not just now in the future too. I am relieved frankly now I know what everything should look like and how it should be put away. He has made it crystal clear that he will not tolerate laziness on my part and not following directions precisely. He was an inspector of the barracks shortly before getting out so I believe him when he says he will inspect.

I also have to request before I bring ANYTHING new into this home now and forever. If it is not
"authorized" but him it is not allowed to be here, end of discussion.

*Note punishments during this time will be under punishments still and will be a separate post.

God Bless

MJ

DD Training Week 1

Last week has been hard on us both. I have been feeling rebellion within me and he is finding it hard to address that while he looks for a job but this week we hit a turning point especially for him.

Throughout the week I have tested a little to really push his resolve especially during this transition time and met a brick wall of authority. For example I was assigned specific duty to do while he was gone running an errand but my daughter was fussy and it took me also the whole time to get her down for her nap and I did not complete the task at hand. When he arrived home he looked at me sternly and said drop and give me 20 pushups. My first instinct is for him to give me a smaller amount to start and my stomach sank. I can't do 20 push ups but to my surprise I pumped them out pretty well. Then I waited in the "rest" position for him to allow me up. Then he said 20 crunches, begin. After completing them I waited for my next instruction. Let me just say outside the military the hardest thing for me to submit to is physical exercise as punihsment and I have to know he is 100% serious. Like standing over me with his belt to swat my butt if I dare stop before he says so. I know it may seem unfair to most that I be punished in this way (to expect a spanking later) but in this training phase in the beginning to break someone down to their core it is important to punish like that when they are not entirely to blame. The concept of fairness does not exist at this point. I should try to everything to please my HOH and if I fall short should be disciplined, although spanking is NOT always needed. I trust B not to abuse this power or punish in away that doesn't equal my infraction.

He also introduced a new concept this week PT just because or as he calls it "because I can" this mostly applies to PT (physical training) but he has swatted me a few times "just because". He seems to be focusing on non-spanking discipline because it takes the "fight" out of me really fast and it motivates and energizes me to work harder to please him.

God Bless

MJ

Welcome to DD Training

We are a different breed of people. We are servants at heart and have both served our country in the military. So it is not a big surprise that we would incorporate those aspects that would work in our everyday lives. I am a responsible adult but I need clear boundaries and regulations to function outside of myself. I need order and discipline with clear rules that help me stay focused and on task to bring out the best in me.

When we decided that we needed to feel comfortable in our God given roles I suggested a basic training to help break me of bad habits, learn new habits and to strengthen my spirit and our relationship through mutual hardship. I also wanted him to "whip my butt" no pun intended back in shape.

Part of the rules that he came up with as we began this journey is how discipline will be carried out. In most of the DD couples that I have encountered in my very limited experience of DD used spanking as the most common form of punishment but my veteran husband has ideas above and beyond that.

First and second offense immediately will be punished with 10-20 (at first increasing as I get stronger) exercises, these will be his choice. Not completing the punishment or quitting would mean an extra penalty. That night a spanking or non -spanking punishment will be awarded depending on the offense on top of the push ups, sit ups, 8 counts, etc. that he assigned immediately following the infraction.

Not only in the first week have I been getting stronger but I have been able to do more without getting as tired. It is actually starting to condition my body and it is only the first week.

More to come Stay tuned

God Bless

MJ

DD Training Tranisition Begins

So it has been a while since I have let anyone have authority over me. When I did before it did not end well for me, they abused their authority and betrayed me in ways that no one could believe. Letting myself feel that way again is terrifying but now its a whole new ball of wax. DH is the only one I trust to have this authority and to use it for the good of "us" not just him.

DHOH has always said that he loves us, because you can love someone and not be able to be with that person, however when you love who you are with that person, that is what will last. So now I venture to once again place all that am in the hands of another, and allow him to break me down to my core and build me up to the wife, mother, and Christian I want to be.

I know it will not be easy but when I am done or at least progressed I will feel a sense of accomplishment. Something that seemed insurmountable is now attainable and I could
be the transformation I have longed for most of my life. Now I feel as though I am standing on
a cliff wondering if I should take that leap and realizing that I am already swimming in the middle of the ocean trying to tread water. Confusion and doubt seem to be my only friends these days.

So today is a single step in a life long journey of seeking myself. This is how we begin. We just do. There is no ceremony, no celebration, just the knowledge that we are delving into something greater than both of us and we will be changed. We will never be the same again.

God Bless

MJ

Why "Becoming His Mandy"

My name is Amanda. I like Amanda I think it a strong not too overtly girly name. However Mandy is my alter ego to speak. Cute, incredibly feminine and FUN! Amanda is business minded and doesn't stop to smell the roses often sees everyone as out to get her. Mandy (as I was ONLY called in school and by my immediate family) reminds me of my innocent time, when I was happy and free. I miss that girl and I want her to come back. Mandy wasn't afraid of ANYTHING. Now days I have 1000000+ fears, and while some are legitimate, some are debilitating. Mandy also had an unwavering devotion to everyone outside of her, friends, neighbors, loved ones alike because she walked with God. She talked to God and had faith no one could shake. Ok now do I sound like two people? That's not my intention. Living in the past is not productive and in my current state neither am I but I can only hope that I can regain that spirit and merge the two personalities to become all God, my husband and kids, and everyone else NEED me to be.

Problem is I don't even know who I am anymore and defining myself as the world sees me is not exactly right and I don't know what God sees so I look to my husband and say how do I feel like that again?
The second thing is that I HATE the name Mandy (at least I do now) and it is apart of me. It is what my mother named me and I really want to LOVE all of me. So because my husband likes this name I am learning to love it. I am learning to love all of me. Why wouldn't I? I have a wonderful husband that loves every part of me because I'm ME! Not because I am the prettiest, smartest, sweetest, etc., but because I am all those things TO HIM. This is the part that I have a hard time accepting and this process that we have embarked on together have helped me to understand that I am not seeing myself in the right light. I need to look at myself through his eyes (God's too), but his point of view is easier to see because I look into every day. When he stares at me getting undressed or watches me when he thinks I don't know he's watching he shows me what love truly is. His desire feeds mine to please him to be His Mandy for only him.

So that is why I named this blog "becoming his Mandy" because I am putting myself in a place I really don't like to be {figuratively and literally} and "going there". The main reason is that I can trust him explicitly and since he has been burdened with my growth at his hand I owe him at least that much. I don't think of this as being owned, but my first solid step at submission. I know there will be many more but every journey begins with a step.

I hope that this journey takes us to places we can not even imagine and to new hieghts of love and admiration that I could never dream. After all isn't that what marriage is all about.

His Mandy AKA MJ

Second Nature

I don't know exactly what to write here but I am supposed to write in a journal so I chose this.
I thought submission would be SO easy for me, but it turns out it is harder than I thought. i don't understand
why I can't submit in my heart. I was clearly on the road there but after his mom visited I just saw him in another light and I can't get myself to "unsee" it. I keep thinking that we should do something to reinforce our roles. I thought stupidly I know that you decide you want accountability and you decide you want to obey God and magically you just obey and submit. Apparently change doesn't come as easily as I thought. How do I create a habit a reaction as real as the air I breathe? I know with God all things are possible but I also know Rome wasn't built in a day so what do I do?

I am reminded of my time in the Navy. Boot camp wasn't just a way to torture the newbies in the fleet but a way to effectively indoctrinate them into a very different lifestyle. The military had their own rules, regulations, dress code, and even their own language. Every mannerism every word was carefully calibrated and executed in the most efficient way possible. I also remember my first few days there. I thought I had walked into another country. The customs and courtesies were all different and how I addressed my elders was suddenly thrown for a loop. i also remember no matter what was thrown at me night or day I handled it well. I persevered because despite all those rules, regulations, etc. that were in front of me. After about 3 weeks of doing the same thing day in day out to reinforce the role I took on as well as the role my RDC had, everything was second nature. Literally all the 100s of things I had to do on a daily basis from making my rack to reporting whenever I saw an officer, to challenging on watch all was like a second skin that I wore and it become instinct. It was no longer think and then act it was just react as I have been trained. I LOVED IT!

Now I am once again thrown into a world I do not know, but I want to. Problem is there is no guide, no RDC, no officer to set up that regiment to instill that habit in me. I want to submit but have no one to submit to. There should be a time in CDD that a habit is formed, that you do tasks over and over and over until they are second nature. Where you do NOT question orders and you truly trust that those in authority have your best interests at heart no matter what they ask of you. That they ask of you things that might seem silly or uneeded but it is an order you must follow because "they said so". After a month or so these mundane tasks would become habit and soon questioning an order or final word would be unheard of. It would feel unnatural. If I came up with a boot camp for myself I would set a time for wake up no exceptions no matter what and then have a schedule of what needed to be carried out during the day. Soon all this would be second nature and of course if I falter I am reprimanded, but I need that strong leader. I just don't know how to ask him. I want submission to be like when I was military, not a thought but an action. I want to submit with my mind, heart, body, and soul. I have learned though that you can't be beaten into submission you have to be guided there. Maybe my HOH will seek to be my guide and teach me how to submit to him.

I want submission to be second nature.

All God's Love,

MJ

Punishment 12-29

Part of my punishment is to post this on the site.

Misbehavior:

While his mother was in town last week and I started my "time" at the same time and I was grumpy and miserable. I let my attitude loose and I was disrespectful to him, rude,
and very disobedient. I took advantage of that fact that he couldn't "properly"discipline me while his mother was staying with us.
I do feel bad because I did take advantage of the situation. Also when his mom was visiting us they cleaned out our car and it was disgusting.
There were papers, sticky wrappers all over, and food ground into the carpet. They spent 4 hours
cleaning the car (I was cleaning in the house) and then he came and got me and told me how ridiculously unkept our car was and that we would be
"talking" about this and my misbehavior later. He told me how embarrassed he was for his mom to see it like that.

Punishment:
After his mother left, he ordered me to the corner as usual and then over his lap. The spanked me fully clothed for a few minutes and then pulled down my jeans leaving my panties on. I barely got a
warm up and he laid in with a plastic hanger. OMG that stung even through the panties. He then ordered me to the corner again and said to strip. My heart sank. I knew he was
really upset. When he ordered me back to him I was trembling and humbled. Then he motioned for me to lay over his lap again. He came down hard with his hand for a long time
and then with every stroke he scolded me about every offense that had escaped his wrath that week. When he mentioned the van I trembled more and knew he was
still very embarrassed and mad about how his mother had seen the car she had helped us pay for time and again. After about 45 minutes my punishment was over but his lecturing continued.
I rarely cry real tears I just can't. I try so hard but they will not come just because of pain. But when he looked at me with disappointment and pain from what he had just done. I felt a tear
escape.

Aftermath:
After his lecture he sat down and pulled me toward him I burst into tears thinking he would spank me again, but he said no and held me and kissed me. He said I hate doing this but
I will if you show me you need it. I cried in his arms and apologized a many time for how I acted and kissed him. We normally do not make love after anytime soon, but because it had
been a week. It went right there. DHOH likes to keep discipline and sex separate.

Benefits:
I am working on my submission to my husband and I think this spanking really helped. i will never let the van get that dirty again that is for sure. DD has made our lives more harmonious. I feel freed from the guilt and we can move on. Also I think twice about my mood and how I handle it.

God Bless

MJ