Why?

i know I haven't posted in a while and DH (HOH) have been little more than husband and wife until very recently. I wonder now if I seek something that can't be achieved. Do I want to have secrets? No not from my husband my favorite person. How can I call it a secret when no one seeks to know least of all my husband? I understand he trusts me, but why? I have shown very irrational behavior and I have a horrible record when it comes to being terribly impulsive so in the last week I had come to the conclusion he just doesn't care. Maybe I was wrong. I can't even say what it is that i want but I don't want that. How do I get to the point where I follow with little or no question? That I trust in his ability to lead (not in him I already to that) implicitly? He demands respect as he should, but what about me are my needs to be met as well? What if I need him to mold me, to break me down and build me up again? What if I want to learn that I can obey and not be betrayed and everything will be ok? I want him to be picky and restrict me at least for now so I can feel safe, and build a habit out of trusting him. After all if we are not going to take this by the horns then why even do it? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If we don't do it different this time then we will end up in the same place. How do I tell him for this 45 days I want him to be in my business, check my orders, micromanage, break me down. It's more than just spanking I want to feel submissive and obedient unlike now when i feel like I am just good until its time to be spanked again. I could give him ideas, map it out, tell him what to say and do just the way I like it, but that would be me controlling the situation again. i don't want control, I can't handle it, but someone has too if its not him it has to be me. Why won't he, what is he afraid of?

God Bless you all,

Mandy