CDD BOOT CAMP DAY 2 CDD is a Journey NOT a Destination

After the challenges I faced head on (no pun intended) I figured day 2 would be a little easier, however I need to learn that just because he doesn't say anything, doesn't mean he's not thinking about it or he has forgotten. I am for once not trying to excuse, talk, plead, or bully my way out of a punishment. I am seeking them out. i want to be made accountable for my actions and I want them to become fewer and fewer until they are resolved. I am finding some difficulty in that process. One thing my HOH is saying to me is why do I have to keep spanking you for this offense? Why do I have to spank you for attitude all the time? Well Rome wasn't built in a day and I am not going to change overnight, just like he won't. If he wants me to give him time to reflect and change at his own pace, shouldn't I be afforded that same courtesy? We are only on Day 2 of our refocusing and he is already wondering why we have to have this song and dance again? Well one is because I am an insufferable brat. I'll admit it and in these wee days of our journey I have rather persistently testing my boundaries, and his resolve. I'll admit that openly. I think we all do. We are told not to speed and know we will get a ticket but in the heat of the moment it doesn't matter. Do I like to be spanked? Of course I do, when its firm and playful and he's not mad at me or I don't have something to attone for absolutely. When he's dissappointed, angry (controlled), or irritated with me I HATE it. So why do I push especially now during BOOT CAMP when i know the toll is a lot higher than a normal day? I need to, I need to know if I totally lose it and go crazy that he will be there like a brick wall to keep me from falling off that cliff. I need to trust in him in so many ways and seeing him "show up" to the task time and time again does that for me.

Now there are some rules on this voyage that I am having a hard time adhering to because of my own lazy habits. I hate to say it, but I am not a service minded person and I understand in our walk with God/Christ we should be. I actually resent sometimes doing things for my family. I don't say this proudly. In fact I am deeply ashamed. I love being a mom, wife, etc., but when it comes to nuts and bolts of that I will do it but not with a happy servants heart. If my husband asks me to get him a drink its a burden to me, because I am focused somewhere else. How is that even in the same realm as "Christ-like"? The answer is it isn't. So on to what I would like to get from this is the CHEERFUL servants heart. I want to feel excited about the journey of marriage. I want to get excited as I face the challenges, like I did in Navy Boot. CDD is doing just that. It's helping me to realize that being a servant isn't a bad thing. i am not beneath those I serve. I am just their helper, their confidante, and that in no way devalues me. In fact it raises my stock quite substantially. I hear people saying a disciplined wife is like an abused wife that she allows herself to be debased because she has low self esteem (in NON DD circles of course). I find the opposite is true, because when I submit properly to my punishment and I atone for my sins against my family, husband, marriage, God, etc., I start to feel a sense of accomplishment. After all I faced the fire head on I walked through knowing the pain. Instead of letting it consume me and reducing me to ashes I emerged stronger, better, and more eager to take on the next challenge.

Marriage is a journey, not a destination. There isn't a point that you can place a marriage on cruise control and expect everything to turn out great. Every marriage takes work, takes commitment, and takes sacrifice. CDD is the same way. There may come a time when I am spanked less (A LONG TIME FROM NOW) but my HOH is never going to be able to put me on "cruise control" and expect everything to be ok. Leadership is not a passive role. It is very active and requires a constant supervision and adjustment. Submission is not passive. It requires vigilance, sacrifice, and great commitment. Without both roles though it falls apart.

In conclusion while I am still reflecting on the first day and what I got from it, I am starting to see the puzzle come together. I am trying to keep in mind that my DHOH is learning TOO. The difference between this and other indoctrination/training programs is the leader KNOWS what he is doing, and has been trained to do it. He is finding his footing along with me and I need to remember that while he's a teacher, he's also a student.

God Bless

His Mandy