My name is Amanda. I like Amanda I think it a strong not too overtly girly name. However Mandy is my alter ego to speak. Cute, incredibly feminine and FUN! Amanda is business minded and doesn't stop to smell the roses often sees everyone as out to get her. Mandy (as I was ONLY called in school and by my immediate family) reminds me of my innocent time, when I was happy and free. I miss that girl and I want her to come back. Mandy wasn't afraid of ANYTHING. Now days I have 1000000+ fears, and while some are legitimate, some are debilitating. Mandy also had an unwavering devotion to everyone outside of her, friends, neighbors, loved ones alike because she walked with God. She talked to God and had faith no one could shake. Ok now do I sound like two people? That's not my intention. Living in the past is not productive and in my current state neither am I but I can only hope that I can regain that spirit and merge the two personalities to become all God, my husband and kids, and everyone else NEED me to be.
Problem is I don't even know who I am anymore and defining myself as the world sees me is not exactly right and I don't know what God sees so I look to my husband and say how do I feel like that again?
The second thing is that I HATE the name Mandy (at least I do now) and it is apart of me. It is what my mother named me and I really want to LOVE all of me. So because my husband likes this name I am learning to love it. I am learning to love all of me. Why wouldn't I? I have a wonderful husband that loves every part of me because I'm ME! Not because I am the prettiest, smartest, sweetest, etc., but because I am all those things TO HIM. This is the part that I have a hard time accepting and this process that we have embarked on together have helped me to understand that I am not seeing myself in the right light. I need to look at myself through his eyes (God's too), but his point of view is easier to see because I look into every day. When he stares at me getting undressed or watches me when he thinks I don't know he's watching he shows me what love truly is. His desire feeds mine to please him to be His Mandy for only him.
So that is why I named this blog "becoming his Mandy" because I am putting myself in a place I really don't like to be {figuratively and literally} and "going there". The main reason is that I can trust him explicitly and since he has been burdened with my growth at his hand I owe him at least that much. I don't think of this as being owned, but my first solid step at submission. I know there will be many more but every journey begins with a step.
I hope that this journey takes us to places we can not even imagine and to new hieghts of love and admiration that I could never dream. After all isn't that what marriage is all about.
His Mandy AKA MJ
02 January 2009
01 January 2009
Second Nature
I don't know exactly what to write here but I am supposed to write in a journal so I chose this.
I thought submission would be SO easy for me, but it turns out it is harder than I thought. i don't understand
why I can't submit in my heart. I was clearly on the road there but after his mom visited I just saw him in another light and I can't get myself to "unsee" it. I keep thinking that we should do something to reinforce our roles. I thought stupidly I know that you decide you want accountability and you decide you want to obey God and magically you just obey and submit. Apparently change doesn't come as easily as I thought. How do I create a habit a reaction as real as the air I breathe? I know with God all things are possible but I also know Rome wasn't built in a day so what do I do?
I am reminded of my time in the Navy. Boot camp wasn't just a way to torture the newbies in the fleet but a way to effectively indoctrinate them into a very different lifestyle. The military had their own rules, regulations, dress code, and even their own language. Every mannerism every word was carefully calibrated and executed in the most efficient way possible. I also remember my first few days there. I thought I had walked into another country. The customs and courtesies were all different and how I addressed my elders was suddenly thrown for a loop. i also remember no matter what was thrown at me night or day I handled it well. I persevered because despite all those rules, regulations, etc. that were in front of me. After about 3 weeks of doing the same thing day in day out to reinforce the role I took on as well as the role my RDC had, everything was second nature. Literally all the 100s of things I had to do on a daily basis from making my rack to reporting whenever I saw an officer, to challenging on watch all was like a second skin that I wore and it become instinct. It was no longer think and then act it was just react as I have been trained. I LOVED IT!
Now I am once again thrown into a world I do not know, but I want to. Problem is there is no guide, no RDC, no officer to set up that regiment to instill that habit in me. I want to submit but have no one to submit to. There should be a time in CDD that a habit is formed, that you do tasks over and over and over until they are second nature. Where you do NOT question orders and you truly trust that those in authority have your best interests at heart no matter what they ask of you. That they ask of you things that might seem silly or uneeded but it is an order you must follow because "they said so". After a month or so these mundane tasks would become habit and soon questioning an order or final word would be unheard of. It would feel unnatural. If I came up with a boot camp for myself I would set a time for wake up no exceptions no matter what and then have a schedule of what needed to be carried out during the day. Soon all this would be second nature and of course if I falter I am reprimanded, but I need that strong leader. I just don't know how to ask him. I want submission to be like when I was military, not a thought but an action. I want to submit with my mind, heart, body, and soul. I have learned though that you can't be beaten into submission you have to be guided there. Maybe my HOH will seek to be my guide and teach me how to submit to him.
I want submission to be second nature.
All God's Love,
MJ
I thought submission would be SO easy for me, but it turns out it is harder than I thought. i don't understand
why I can't submit in my heart. I was clearly on the road there but after his mom visited I just saw him in another light and I can't get myself to "unsee" it. I keep thinking that we should do something to reinforce our roles. I thought stupidly I know that you decide you want accountability and you decide you want to obey God and magically you just obey and submit. Apparently change doesn't come as easily as I thought. How do I create a habit a reaction as real as the air I breathe? I know with God all things are possible but I also know Rome wasn't built in a day so what do I do?
I am reminded of my time in the Navy. Boot camp wasn't just a way to torture the newbies in the fleet but a way to effectively indoctrinate them into a very different lifestyle. The military had their own rules, regulations, dress code, and even their own language. Every mannerism every word was carefully calibrated and executed in the most efficient way possible. I also remember my first few days there. I thought I had walked into another country. The customs and courtesies were all different and how I addressed my elders was suddenly thrown for a loop. i also remember no matter what was thrown at me night or day I handled it well. I persevered because despite all those rules, regulations, etc. that were in front of me. After about 3 weeks of doing the same thing day in day out to reinforce the role I took on as well as the role my RDC had, everything was second nature. Literally all the 100s of things I had to do on a daily basis from making my rack to reporting whenever I saw an officer, to challenging on watch all was like a second skin that I wore and it become instinct. It was no longer think and then act it was just react as I have been trained. I LOVED IT!
Now I am once again thrown into a world I do not know, but I want to. Problem is there is no guide, no RDC, no officer to set up that regiment to instill that habit in me. I want to submit but have no one to submit to. There should be a time in CDD that a habit is formed, that you do tasks over and over and over until they are second nature. Where you do NOT question orders and you truly trust that those in authority have your best interests at heart no matter what they ask of you. That they ask of you things that might seem silly or uneeded but it is an order you must follow because "they said so". After a month or so these mundane tasks would become habit and soon questioning an order or final word would be unheard of. It would feel unnatural. If I came up with a boot camp for myself I would set a time for wake up no exceptions no matter what and then have a schedule of what needed to be carried out during the day. Soon all this would be second nature and of course if I falter I am reprimanded, but I need that strong leader. I just don't know how to ask him. I want submission to be like when I was military, not a thought but an action. I want to submit with my mind, heart, body, and soul. I have learned though that you can't be beaten into submission you have to be guided there. Maybe my HOH will seek to be my guide and teach me how to submit to him.
I want submission to be second nature.
All God's Love,
MJ
Punishment 12-29
Part of my punishment is to post this on the site.
Misbehavior:
While his mother was in town last week and I started my "time" at the same time and I was grumpy and miserable. I let my attitude loose and I was disrespectful to him, rude,
and very disobedient. I took advantage of that fact that he couldn't "properly"discipline me while his mother was staying with us.
I do feel bad because I did take advantage of the situation. Also when his mom was visiting us they cleaned out our car and it was disgusting.
There were papers, sticky wrappers all over, and food ground into the carpet. They spent 4 hours
cleaning the car (I was cleaning in the house) and then he came and got me and told me how ridiculously unkept our car was and that we would be
"talking" about this and my misbehavior later. He told me how embarrassed he was for his mom to see it like that.
Punishment:
After his mother left, he ordered me to the corner as usual and then over his lap. The spanked me fully clothed for a few minutes and then pulled down my jeans leaving my panties on. I barely got a
warm up and he laid in with a plastic hanger. OMG that stung even through the panties. He then ordered me to the corner again and said to strip. My heart sank. I knew he was
really upset. When he ordered me back to him I was trembling and humbled. Then he motioned for me to lay over his lap again. He came down hard with his hand for a long time
and then with every stroke he scolded me about every offense that had escaped his wrath that week. When he mentioned the van I trembled more and knew he was
still very embarrassed and mad about how his mother had seen the car she had helped us pay for time and again. After about 45 minutes my punishment was over but his lecturing continued.
I rarely cry real tears I just can't. I try so hard but they will not come just because of pain. But when he looked at me with disappointment and pain from what he had just done. I felt a tear
escape.
Aftermath:
After his lecture he sat down and pulled me toward him I burst into tears thinking he would spank me again, but he said no and held me and kissed me. He said I hate doing this but
I will if you show me you need it. I cried in his arms and apologized a many time for how I acted and kissed him. We normally do not make love after anytime soon, but because it had
been a week. It went right there. DHOH likes to keep discipline and sex separate.
Benefits:
I am working on my submission to my husband and I think this spanking really helped. i will never let the van get that dirty again that is for sure. DD has made our lives more harmonious. I feel freed from the guilt and we can move on. Also I think twice about my mood and how I handle it.
God Bless
MJ
Misbehavior:
While his mother was in town last week and I started my "time" at the same time and I was grumpy and miserable. I let my attitude loose and I was disrespectful to him, rude,
and very disobedient. I took advantage of that fact that he couldn't "properly"discipline me while his mother was staying with us.
I do feel bad because I did take advantage of the situation. Also when his mom was visiting us they cleaned out our car and it was disgusting.
There were papers, sticky wrappers all over, and food ground into the carpet. They spent 4 hours
cleaning the car (I was cleaning in the house) and then he came and got me and told me how ridiculously unkept our car was and that we would be
"talking" about this and my misbehavior later. He told me how embarrassed he was for his mom to see it like that.
Punishment:
After his mother left, he ordered me to the corner as usual and then over his lap. The spanked me fully clothed for a few minutes and then pulled down my jeans leaving my panties on. I barely got a
warm up and he laid in with a plastic hanger. OMG that stung even through the panties. He then ordered me to the corner again and said to strip. My heart sank. I knew he was
really upset. When he ordered me back to him I was trembling and humbled. Then he motioned for me to lay over his lap again. He came down hard with his hand for a long time
and then with every stroke he scolded me about every offense that had escaped his wrath that week. When he mentioned the van I trembled more and knew he was
still very embarrassed and mad about how his mother had seen the car she had helped us pay for time and again. After about 45 minutes my punishment was over but his lecturing continued.
I rarely cry real tears I just can't. I try so hard but they will not come just because of pain. But when he looked at me with disappointment and pain from what he had just done. I felt a tear
escape.
Aftermath:
After his lecture he sat down and pulled me toward him I burst into tears thinking he would spank me again, but he said no and held me and kissed me. He said I hate doing this but
I will if you show me you need it. I cried in his arms and apologized a many time for how I acted and kissed him. We normally do not make love after anytime soon, but because it had
been a week. It went right there. DHOH likes to keep discipline and sex separate.
Benefits:
I am working on my submission to my husband and I think this spanking really helped. i will never let the van get that dirty again that is for sure. DD has made our lives more harmonious. I feel freed from the guilt and we can move on. Also I think twice about my mood and how I handle it.
God Bless
MJ
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