CDD BOOT CAMP Day 3 "Yes, Sir"

I think we all have rituals that at first we find silly or seem to be unable to do without a smirk or giggle. To me this is the "yes sir" ritual. Anytime I answer or am given an order I am to say "yes sir". It's not that hard I know and it's not that I don't believe I should follow this rule but it seems no matter how hard I try I slip at least three times a day. I know this is new he didn't require this before and now its hard for me. Why, I am not sure maybe because it makes me feel small and young. I don't know, but regardless of how hard it is for me I am doing my best to follow this rule. Maybe because it feels contrived, but I am supposed to see him the closest authority in my chain of command.

Despite my best efforts last night was bad. I am so ashamed of what I am writing now, what I said to him and really I don't know why I was so upset. I had received little reminder punishments for forgetting the "yes sir" and a few other minor incidences. Not really much just a few swats. However I knew I was still due my nightly punishment spanking. My HOH had gotten into this habit of awarding punishment and not following through in the past, because he waited too long and was tired or was being gracious and let me off the hook. Either way doesn’t work for me. I don’t care what he orders or says he will do I want him to see it through; I need him to. I need to know that he will follow through and if I can trust him on small things, then I could learn to trust him on big things and later everything. So there would never be defiance in my mannerisms because I gave over all things happily. It was getting late and once again he waited to do the deed and I was afraid if I didn’t intervene it would end up being a stack of punishments that got so big that I would faint to receive them. Me trying to control the situation again, yes I admit it, I was pushing his buttons and then I took back that great act of submission when I said “don’t expect me to swallow next time”. He then would no longer talk to me; he would ignore me completely and was in complete silence. I was so upset. I didn’t know what to do. I tried crying, yelling, throwing stuff, everything DD is supposed to prevent. Then in act of total defiance I took all my schedules, charts, and everything else and threw them in the fireplace, I stopped short of burning my paddle. Then I lit them on fire. There was no more fire in the fireplace so I had to go one step further and burn them myself. I cannot believe I did this and I don’t understand the motivation behind it but I must say that I backslid quite a bit and only got a "warm up" for now. I use quotes because it wasn’t a warm up (a pretty severe punishment actually) but it’s not by a long shot the end of my punishment. This is added to the nightly punishment I already get. Needless to say I won’t be “sitting pretty” for a while.

Yes Sir is getting easier for me to say, so I would like to say that a habit is forming. I hope all the conditioning goes this way. I am starting to see him truly in his God-given role and I am starting to let loose the reigns and hand them to him.

In God’s Love,

Mandy