Second Nature

I don't know exactly what to write here but I am supposed to write in a journal so I chose this.
I thought submission would be SO easy for me, but it turns out it is harder than I thought. i don't understand
why I can't submit in my heart. I was clearly on the road there but after his mom visited I just saw him in another light and I can't get myself to "unsee" it. I keep thinking that we should do something to reinforce our roles. I thought stupidly I know that you decide you want accountability and you decide you want to obey God and magically you just obey and submit. Apparently change doesn't come as easily as I thought. How do I create a habit a reaction as real as the air I breathe? I know with God all things are possible but I also know Rome wasn't built in a day so what do I do?

I am reminded of my time in the Navy. Boot camp wasn't just a way to torture the newbies in the fleet but a way to effectively indoctrinate them into a very different lifestyle. The military had their own rules, regulations, dress code, and even their own language. Every mannerism every word was carefully calibrated and executed in the most efficient way possible. I also remember my first few days there. I thought I had walked into another country. The customs and courtesies were all different and how I addressed my elders was suddenly thrown for a loop. i also remember no matter what was thrown at me night or day I handled it well. I persevered because despite all those rules, regulations, etc. that were in front of me. After about 3 weeks of doing the same thing day in day out to reinforce the role I took on as well as the role my RDC had, everything was second nature. Literally all the 100s of things I had to do on a daily basis from making my rack to reporting whenever I saw an officer, to challenging on watch all was like a second skin that I wore and it become instinct. It was no longer think and then act it was just react as I have been trained. I LOVED IT!

Now I am once again thrown into a world I do not know, but I want to. Problem is there is no guide, no RDC, no officer to set up that regiment to instill that habit in me. I want to submit but have no one to submit to. There should be a time in CDD that a habit is formed, that you do tasks over and over and over until they are second nature. Where you do NOT question orders and you truly trust that those in authority have your best interests at heart no matter what they ask of you. That they ask of you things that might seem silly or uneeded but it is an order you must follow because "they said so". After a month or so these mundane tasks would become habit and soon questioning an order or final word would be unheard of. It would feel unnatural. If I came up with a boot camp for myself I would set a time for wake up no exceptions no matter what and then have a schedule of what needed to be carried out during the day. Soon all this would be second nature and of course if I falter I am reprimanded, but I need that strong leader. I just don't know how to ask him. I want submission to be like when I was military, not a thought but an action. I want to submit with my mind, heart, body, and soul. I have learned though that you can't be beaten into submission you have to be guided there. Maybe my HOH will seek to be my guide and teach me how to submit to him.

I want submission to be second nature.

All God's Love,

MJ