Why "Becoming His Mandy"

My name is Amanda. I like Amanda I think it a strong not too overtly girly name. However Mandy is my alter ego to speak. Cute, incredibly feminine and FUN! Amanda is business minded and doesn't stop to smell the roses often sees everyone as out to get her. Mandy (as I was ONLY called in school and by my immediate family) reminds me of my innocent time, when I was happy and free. I miss that girl and I want her to come back. Mandy wasn't afraid of ANYTHING. Now days I have 1000000+ fears, and while some are legitimate, some are debilitating. Mandy also had an unwavering devotion to everyone outside of her, friends, neighbors, loved ones alike because she walked with God. She talked to God and had faith no one could shake. Ok now do I sound like two people? That's not my intention. Living in the past is not productive and in my current state neither am I but I can only hope that I can regain that spirit and merge the two personalities to become all God, my husband and kids, and everyone else NEED me to be.

Problem is I don't even know who I am anymore and defining myself as the world sees me is not exactly right and I don't know what God sees so I look to my husband and say how do I feel like that again?
The second thing is that I HATE the name Mandy (at least I do now) and it is apart of me. It is what my mother named me and I really want to LOVE all of me. So because my husband likes this name I am learning to love it. I am learning to love all of me. Why wouldn't I? I have a wonderful husband that loves every part of me because I'm ME! Not because I am the prettiest, smartest, sweetest, etc., but because I am all those things TO HIM. This is the part that I have a hard time accepting and this process that we have embarked on together have helped me to understand that I am not seeing myself in the right light. I need to look at myself through his eyes (God's too), but his point of view is easier to see because I look into every day. When he stares at me getting undressed or watches me when he thinks I don't know he's watching he shows me what love truly is. His desire feeds mine to please him to be His Mandy for only him.

So that is why I named this blog "becoming his Mandy" because I am putting myself in a place I really don't like to be {figuratively and literally} and "going there". The main reason is that I can trust him explicitly and since he has been burdened with my growth at his hand I owe him at least that much. I don't think of this as being owned, but my first solid step at submission. I know there will be many more but every journey begins with a step.

I hope that this journey takes us to places we can not even imagine and to new hieghts of love and admiration that I could never dream. After all isn't that what marriage is all about.

His Mandy AKA MJ