CDD BOOT CAMP DAY 5 "POINT OF NO RETURN/FANTASY"

CDD DAY 5 Point of No Return/Fantasy

Readers, I have decided to do two different posts in one today. Two things that have been on my mind for a while.

I have dreamed about this day for so long, similar to when I joined the military. You plan, join, and get ready to leave for boot. Soon after getting there you realized there is no going back. Not because you are running from where you were, but because of where you are going. You know its going to hurt (A LOT) and be the MOST challenging experience of your life but somehow you can’t help but move forward because the pain endured is nothing compared to going back. That is how I feel now. My HoH has changed considerably in the last few days. I think he’s as surprised as me, but I have to say I love the new him. I love the attentiveness, the closeness, and yes even the discipline. I love how he holds himself to a higher standard because he holds me to one at all. Most of all I love how loved I feel. I know he will protect me at all costs, even from myself. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy. I get in my own way and I often put myself last on the list if at all. So its nice, actually wonderful to have someone that loves me so much that he will spank me good to make sure I don’t lose sight of what’s important.

So as I was saying, I think we have reached that point. I don’t know where we will end up but I am glad we are moving forward. Although this lifestyle is consensual I didn’t want an easy out. When I wrote our contract I wrote that we will be committed to this as we are to our own marriage, so to me to stop would be divorce.

Five days after we started this journey (for real this time) we can see the results already. Although I am not perfect, not even close, I am having real moments of submission.

God Bless,

Mandy AKA Brat Princess


Fantasy

When HoH and I first met and courted we tried BDSM. I wanted to be owned. To be a pet that was used for sexual pleasure mostly and was the property of another person. Everything would be dictated to me from what to wear, how to speak, when to speak, how to obey without question, etc. After the primary training sessions of course, sounds like the military huh? Gee I wonder why I joined. We tried this on a regular basis but DHoH decided he didn’t want a robot but a wife with thoughts and ideas of her own.

So I abandoned the idea cursed to live a vanilla existence forever *sigh*. After a couple years of marriage that crept into my bones again and I started looking googling BDSM and the bible to see if it was ok. I found domestic discipline and realized what I really wanted was a strong man to control me to an extent like you control a fire. Not allowing the light to go out without letting it burn up everything around it. I was like that flame, fiery temper, and the ability to consume anyone around me if not carefully and thoughtfully restricted. Even though we are growing in this arrangement and are reaching new heights, part of me misses the fantasy. The sex slave and her master, the naughty school girl and her principal, etc. I really miss playing around a little and seeing where it takes us, even if only for one night.
Now while I believe that wifely submission is biblical and that my husband is the authority in the home and has the means to back up that authority with real discipline, part of me wants to be spanked for fun. Why can’t we have both? I won’t pretend that I don’t get a little moist after a spanking mainly because it’s a HUGE turn-on to see him take charge. I want more, something like this.

I get called into his office because I was mean to my teacher and haven’t been getting to school on time. I am dressed like a schoolgirl; complete with pig tails (which turn him on for some reason) and knee high socks. He scolds me, spanks me, and then makes love to me.

Is that really so wrong? Does it always have to be discipline? I know he likes to separate true discipline and sex but what about pretend discipline?

GOD BLESS,

MANDY THE BRAT PRINCESS

CDD BOOT CAMP DAY 4 No is a Four Letter Word

I am doing two posts back to back because I am a little behind, and I have neglected my blog a little I am really sorry for that.

CDD Boot camp Day 4 NO is a Four Letter word

I don’t mean literally obviously but I have been informed I am not allowed to say NO! Meaning not to an order. I can answer no, Sir but I can’t just blurt out no without reason.
If I have an objection, then I need to respectfully say so. I have to say having this restriction on my speech is a little to get used to but it is also helping me to realize that he is in charge. He is the authority that I must obey. Not just because I ultimately want to but also because My Lord wants me to. I am called to obey my husband in all things as the bible plainly says on many occasions.

Ephesians 5:22-24, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord, For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body, Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing."

"Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement." -1st Peter 3:6

Furthermore I really don’t want to say no, I want him to challenge me more. I want him to take my submission to a new level and have me do things I wouldn’t want to but that will help me grow. I hate to say sometimes I only say no because I want to challenge him and help him grow…:P

I want to see what he will do, if he will follow through. However I hit a point that I don’t want to challenge him anymore. I just want to follow. There is still resistance in me, in my heart that says. “If you submit fully he will stop”. I am still afraid if I don’t resist he won’t “bring down the hammer” so to speak. Whenever I am cooperative in my punishments I end up feeling NOT spanked enough and resentful and the weird thing is that is even if I wasn’t resentful to begin with. So how do I get the spanking I really want and NEED and still obey him? That’s what has me bratting. That notion that sometimes I need a good, long, hard spanking and the ONLY way I can get it is to be bad. So I guess this new rule isn’t so bad, because it will take me a while to get the hang of it and in the mean time I won’t be short of the spankings I need.


GOD BLESS

MANDY THE BRAT PRINCESS

Mandy's RULES

the four D's are a no brainer.

Disrespect

• Name Calling
• Gestures
  
• Yelling
  

Disobedience

• Not completing a task
• Ignoring a task
• Ignoring or not complying to an order
  

Dishonesty

• Telling of a lie
• Omission of pertinent information
  that results in a lie
  

Defiance

• Open and outright disobedience
  

There are more:

• Take my 1st med NLT (no later than) 1100 daily
• Take my 2nd NLT 1700 daily
• All items must be put away according to instruction.
• Close all cabinets every time they are opened including the ones in the closet
• Not to eat anything not healthy and good for my diet unless it is authorized and only
  have the amount that is authorized no more and be willing to pay from the Payment Table.
  

DD training Week 1 Day 5H

During this weekend will be getting our home back together. I am ashamed to say how bad it has gotten and in this training stage I should really know better. So since our standards have completely fallen away (we can't seem to be consistent) B has decided that we are going to military standards of cleanliness and has ordered that we simplify greatly our living space. I am quite surprised I remember living on so little when I was in the military, when did I start to *need* so much stuff? When did my happiness center on how much we had even though we couldn't enjoy anything. I have to admit that it will take a great amount of discipline (for us both) in order to thin our home down to manageable.

He is not just talking about the glove test but how items are folded and stowed and he will inspect, not just now in the future too. I am relieved frankly now I know what everything should look like and how it should be put away. He has made it crystal clear that he will not tolerate laziness on my part and not following directions precisely. He was an inspector of the barracks shortly before getting out so I believe him when he says he will inspect.

I also have to request before I bring ANYTHING new into this home now and forever. If it is not
"authorized" but him it is not allowed to be here, end of discussion.

*Note punishments during this time will be under punishments still and will be a separate post.

God Bless

MJ

Why "Becoming His Mandy"

My name is Amanda. I like Amanda I think it a strong not too overtly girly name. However Mandy is my alter ego to speak. Cute, incredibly feminine and FUN! Amanda is business minded and doesn't stop to smell the roses often sees everyone as out to get her. Mandy (as I was ONLY called in school and by my immediate family) reminds me of my innocent time, when I was happy and free. I miss that girl and I want her to come back. Mandy wasn't afraid of ANYTHING. Now days I have 1000000+ fears, and while some are legitimate, some are debilitating. Mandy also had an unwavering devotion to everyone outside of her, friends, neighbors, loved ones alike because she walked with God. She talked to God and had faith no one could shake. Ok now do I sound like two people? That's not my intention. Living in the past is not productive and in my current state neither am I but I can only hope that I can regain that spirit and merge the two personalities to become all God, my husband and kids, and everyone else NEED me to be.

Problem is I don't even know who I am anymore and defining myself as the world sees me is not exactly right and I don't know what God sees so I look to my husband and say how do I feel like that again?
The second thing is that I HATE the name Mandy (at least I do now) and it is apart of me. It is what my mother named me and I really want to LOVE all of me. So because my husband likes this name I am learning to love it. I am learning to love all of me. Why wouldn't I? I have a wonderful husband that loves every part of me because I'm ME! Not because I am the prettiest, smartest, sweetest, etc., but because I am all those things TO HIM. This is the part that I have a hard time accepting and this process that we have embarked on together have helped me to understand that I am not seeing myself in the right light. I need to look at myself through his eyes (God's too), but his point of view is easier to see because I look into every day. When he stares at me getting undressed or watches me when he thinks I don't know he's watching he shows me what love truly is. His desire feeds mine to please him to be His Mandy for only him.

So that is why I named this blog "becoming his Mandy" because I am putting myself in a place I really don't like to be {figuratively and literally} and "going there". The main reason is that I can trust him explicitly and since he has been burdened with my growth at his hand I owe him at least that much. I don't think of this as being owned, but my first solid step at submission. I know there will be many more but every journey begins with a step.

I hope that this journey takes us to places we can not even imagine and to new hieghts of love and admiration that I could never dream. After all isn't that what marriage is all about.

His Mandy AKA MJ

Second Nature

I don't know exactly what to write here but I am supposed to write in a journal so I chose this.
I thought submission would be SO easy for me, but it turns out it is harder than I thought. i don't understand
why I can't submit in my heart. I was clearly on the road there but after his mom visited I just saw him in another light and I can't get myself to "unsee" it. I keep thinking that we should do something to reinforce our roles. I thought stupidly I know that you decide you want accountability and you decide you want to obey God and magically you just obey and submit. Apparently change doesn't come as easily as I thought. How do I create a habit a reaction as real as the air I breathe? I know with God all things are possible but I also know Rome wasn't built in a day so what do I do?

I am reminded of my time in the Navy. Boot camp wasn't just a way to torture the newbies in the fleet but a way to effectively indoctrinate them into a very different lifestyle. The military had their own rules, regulations, dress code, and even their own language. Every mannerism every word was carefully calibrated and executed in the most efficient way possible. I also remember my first few days there. I thought I had walked into another country. The customs and courtesies were all different and how I addressed my elders was suddenly thrown for a loop. i also remember no matter what was thrown at me night or day I handled it well. I persevered because despite all those rules, regulations, etc. that were in front of me. After about 3 weeks of doing the same thing day in day out to reinforce the role I took on as well as the role my RDC had, everything was second nature. Literally all the 100s of things I had to do on a daily basis from making my rack to reporting whenever I saw an officer, to challenging on watch all was like a second skin that I wore and it become instinct. It was no longer think and then act it was just react as I have been trained. I LOVED IT!

Now I am once again thrown into a world I do not know, but I want to. Problem is there is no guide, no RDC, no officer to set up that regiment to instill that habit in me. I want to submit but have no one to submit to. There should be a time in CDD that a habit is formed, that you do tasks over and over and over until they are second nature. Where you do NOT question orders and you truly trust that those in authority have your best interests at heart no matter what they ask of you. That they ask of you things that might seem silly or uneeded but it is an order you must follow because "they said so". After a month or so these mundane tasks would become habit and soon questioning an order or final word would be unheard of. It would feel unnatural. If I came up with a boot camp for myself I would set a time for wake up no exceptions no matter what and then have a schedule of what needed to be carried out during the day. Soon all this would be second nature and of course if I falter I am reprimanded, but I need that strong leader. I just don't know how to ask him. I want submission to be like when I was military, not a thought but an action. I want to submit with my mind, heart, body, and soul. I have learned though that you can't be beaten into submission you have to be guided there. Maybe my HOH will seek to be my guide and teach me how to submit to him.

I want submission to be second nature.

All God's Love,

MJ