CDD BOOT CAMP DAY 5 "POINT OF NO RETURN/FANTASY"

CDD DAY 5 Point of No Return/Fantasy

Readers, I have decided to do two different posts in one today. Two things that have been on my mind for a while.

I have dreamed about this day for so long, similar to when I joined the military. You plan, join, and get ready to leave for boot. Soon after getting there you realized there is no going back. Not because you are running from where you were, but because of where you are going. You know its going to hurt (A LOT) and be the MOST challenging experience of your life but somehow you can’t help but move forward because the pain endured is nothing compared to going back. That is how I feel now. My HoH has changed considerably in the last few days. I think he’s as surprised as me, but I have to say I love the new him. I love the attentiveness, the closeness, and yes even the discipline. I love how he holds himself to a higher standard because he holds me to one at all. Most of all I love how loved I feel. I know he will protect me at all costs, even from myself. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy. I get in my own way and I often put myself last on the list if at all. So its nice, actually wonderful to have someone that loves me so much that he will spank me good to make sure I don’t lose sight of what’s important.

So as I was saying, I think we have reached that point. I don’t know where we will end up but I am glad we are moving forward. Although this lifestyle is consensual I didn’t want an easy out. When I wrote our contract I wrote that we will be committed to this as we are to our own marriage, so to me to stop would be divorce.

Five days after we started this journey (for real this time) we can see the results already. Although I am not perfect, not even close, I am having real moments of submission.

God Bless,

Mandy AKA Brat Princess


Fantasy

When HoH and I first met and courted we tried BDSM. I wanted to be owned. To be a pet that was used for sexual pleasure mostly and was the property of another person. Everything would be dictated to me from what to wear, how to speak, when to speak, how to obey without question, etc. After the primary training sessions of course, sounds like the military huh? Gee I wonder why I joined. We tried this on a regular basis but DHoH decided he didn’t want a robot but a wife with thoughts and ideas of her own.

So I abandoned the idea cursed to live a vanilla existence forever *sigh*. After a couple years of marriage that crept into my bones again and I started looking googling BDSM and the bible to see if it was ok. I found domestic discipline and realized what I really wanted was a strong man to control me to an extent like you control a fire. Not allowing the light to go out without letting it burn up everything around it. I was like that flame, fiery temper, and the ability to consume anyone around me if not carefully and thoughtfully restricted. Even though we are growing in this arrangement and are reaching new heights, part of me misses the fantasy. The sex slave and her master, the naughty school girl and her principal, etc. I really miss playing around a little and seeing where it takes us, even if only for one night.
Now while I believe that wifely submission is biblical and that my husband is the authority in the home and has the means to back up that authority with real discipline, part of me wants to be spanked for fun. Why can’t we have both? I won’t pretend that I don’t get a little moist after a spanking mainly because it’s a HUGE turn-on to see him take charge. I want more, something like this.

I get called into his office because I was mean to my teacher and haven’t been getting to school on time. I am dressed like a schoolgirl; complete with pig tails (which turn him on for some reason) and knee high socks. He scolds me, spanks me, and then makes love to me.

Is that really so wrong? Does it always have to be discipline? I know he likes to separate true discipline and sex but what about pretend discipline?

GOD BLESS,

MANDY THE BRAT PRINCESS

CDD BOOT CAMP DAY 4 No is a Four Letter Word

I am doing two posts back to back because I am a little behind, and I have neglected my blog a little I am really sorry for that.

CDD Boot camp Day 4 NO is a Four Letter word

I don’t mean literally obviously but I have been informed I am not allowed to say NO! Meaning not to an order. I can answer no, Sir but I can’t just blurt out no without reason.
If I have an objection, then I need to respectfully say so. I have to say having this restriction on my speech is a little to get used to but it is also helping me to realize that he is in charge. He is the authority that I must obey. Not just because I ultimately want to but also because My Lord wants me to. I am called to obey my husband in all things as the bible plainly says on many occasions.

Ephesians 5:22-24, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord, For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body, Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing."

"Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement." -1st Peter 3:6

Furthermore I really don’t want to say no, I want him to challenge me more. I want him to take my submission to a new level and have me do things I wouldn’t want to but that will help me grow. I hate to say sometimes I only say no because I want to challenge him and help him grow…:P

I want to see what he will do, if he will follow through. However I hit a point that I don’t want to challenge him anymore. I just want to follow. There is still resistance in me, in my heart that says. “If you submit fully he will stop”. I am still afraid if I don’t resist he won’t “bring down the hammer” so to speak. Whenever I am cooperative in my punishments I end up feeling NOT spanked enough and resentful and the weird thing is that is even if I wasn’t resentful to begin with. So how do I get the spanking I really want and NEED and still obey him? That’s what has me bratting. That notion that sometimes I need a good, long, hard spanking and the ONLY way I can get it is to be bad. So I guess this new rule isn’t so bad, because it will take me a while to get the hang of it and in the mean time I won’t be short of the spankings I need.


GOD BLESS

MANDY THE BRAT PRINCESS

CDD BOOT CAMP Day 3 "Yes, Sir"

I think we all have rituals that at first we find silly or seem to be unable to do without a smirk or giggle. To me this is the "yes sir" ritual. Anytime I answer or am given an order I am to say "yes sir". It's not that hard I know and it's not that I don't believe I should follow this rule but it seems no matter how hard I try I slip at least three times a day. I know this is new he didn't require this before and now its hard for me. Why, I am not sure maybe because it makes me feel small and young. I don't know, but regardless of how hard it is for me I am doing my best to follow this rule. Maybe because it feels contrived, but I am supposed to see him the closest authority in my chain of command.

Despite my best efforts last night was bad. I am so ashamed of what I am writing now, what I said to him and really I don't know why I was so upset. I had received little reminder punishments for forgetting the "yes sir" and a few other minor incidences. Not really much just a few swats. However I knew I was still due my nightly punishment spanking. My HOH had gotten into this habit of awarding punishment and not following through in the past, because he waited too long and was tired or was being gracious and let me off the hook. Either way doesn’t work for me. I don’t care what he orders or says he will do I want him to see it through; I need him to. I need to know that he will follow through and if I can trust him on small things, then I could learn to trust him on big things and later everything. So there would never be defiance in my mannerisms because I gave over all things happily. It was getting late and once again he waited to do the deed and I was afraid if I didn’t intervene it would end up being a stack of punishments that got so big that I would faint to receive them. Me trying to control the situation again, yes I admit it, I was pushing his buttons and then I took back that great act of submission when I said “don’t expect me to swallow next time”. He then would no longer talk to me; he would ignore me completely and was in complete silence. I was so upset. I didn’t know what to do. I tried crying, yelling, throwing stuff, everything DD is supposed to prevent. Then in act of total defiance I took all my schedules, charts, and everything else and threw them in the fireplace, I stopped short of burning my paddle. Then I lit them on fire. There was no more fire in the fireplace so I had to go one step further and burn them myself. I cannot believe I did this and I don’t understand the motivation behind it but I must say that I backslid quite a bit and only got a "warm up" for now. I use quotes because it wasn’t a warm up (a pretty severe punishment actually) but it’s not by a long shot the end of my punishment. This is added to the nightly punishment I already get. Needless to say I won’t be “sitting pretty” for a while.

Yes Sir is getting easier for me to say, so I would like to say that a habit is forming. I hope all the conditioning goes this way. I am starting to see him truly in his God-given role and I am starting to let loose the reigns and hand them to him.

In God’s Love,

Mandy

CDD BOOT CAMP DAY 2 CDD is a Journey NOT a Destination

After the challenges I faced head on (no pun intended) I figured day 2 would be a little easier, however I need to learn that just because he doesn't say anything, doesn't mean he's not thinking about it or he has forgotten. I am for once not trying to excuse, talk, plead, or bully my way out of a punishment. I am seeking them out. i want to be made accountable for my actions and I want them to become fewer and fewer until they are resolved. I am finding some difficulty in that process. One thing my HOH is saying to me is why do I have to keep spanking you for this offense? Why do I have to spank you for attitude all the time? Well Rome wasn't built in a day and I am not going to change overnight, just like he won't. If he wants me to give him time to reflect and change at his own pace, shouldn't I be afforded that same courtesy? We are only on Day 2 of our refocusing and he is already wondering why we have to have this song and dance again? Well one is because I am an insufferable brat. I'll admit it and in these wee days of our journey I have rather persistently testing my boundaries, and his resolve. I'll admit that openly. I think we all do. We are told not to speed and know we will get a ticket but in the heat of the moment it doesn't matter. Do I like to be spanked? Of course I do, when its firm and playful and he's not mad at me or I don't have something to attone for absolutely. When he's dissappointed, angry (controlled), or irritated with me I HATE it. So why do I push especially now during BOOT CAMP when i know the toll is a lot higher than a normal day? I need to, I need to know if I totally lose it and go crazy that he will be there like a brick wall to keep me from falling off that cliff. I need to trust in him in so many ways and seeing him "show up" to the task time and time again does that for me.

Now there are some rules on this voyage that I am having a hard time adhering to because of my own lazy habits. I hate to say it, but I am not a service minded person and I understand in our walk with God/Christ we should be. I actually resent sometimes doing things for my family. I don't say this proudly. In fact I am deeply ashamed. I love being a mom, wife, etc., but when it comes to nuts and bolts of that I will do it but not with a happy servants heart. If my husband asks me to get him a drink its a burden to me, because I am focused somewhere else. How is that even in the same realm as "Christ-like"? The answer is it isn't. So on to what I would like to get from this is the CHEERFUL servants heart. I want to feel excited about the journey of marriage. I want to get excited as I face the challenges, like I did in Navy Boot. CDD is doing just that. It's helping me to realize that being a servant isn't a bad thing. i am not beneath those I serve. I am just their helper, their confidante, and that in no way devalues me. In fact it raises my stock quite substantially. I hear people saying a disciplined wife is like an abused wife that she allows herself to be debased because she has low self esteem (in NON DD circles of course). I find the opposite is true, because when I submit properly to my punishment and I atone for my sins against my family, husband, marriage, God, etc., I start to feel a sense of accomplishment. After all I faced the fire head on I walked through knowing the pain. Instead of letting it consume me and reducing me to ashes I emerged stronger, better, and more eager to take on the next challenge.

Marriage is a journey, not a destination. There isn't a point that you can place a marriage on cruise control and expect everything to turn out great. Every marriage takes work, takes commitment, and takes sacrifice. CDD is the same way. There may come a time when I am spanked less (A LONG TIME FROM NOW) but my HOH is never going to be able to put me on "cruise control" and expect everything to be ok. Leadership is not a passive role. It is very active and requires a constant supervision and adjustment. Submission is not passive. It requires vigilance, sacrifice, and great commitment. Without both roles though it falls apart.

In conclusion while I am still reflecting on the first day and what I got from it, I am starting to see the puzzle come together. I am trying to keep in mind that my DHOH is learning TOO. The difference between this and other indoctrination/training programs is the leader KNOWS what he is doing, and has been trained to do it. He is finding his footing along with me and I need to remember that while he's a teacher, he's also a student.

God Bless

His Mandy

We have OFFICIALLY started out Boot Camp Day 1

***WARNING THIS HAS SOME ADULT CONTENT, IF YOU ARE OFFENDED PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE****

So not too long ago I had this problem with what a lot of HOH's were saying about what they make their wives do, but then I realized what they had is what I wanted. I want him to push my limits, not just spanking my bottom, but also giving me direction that I might not have chosen. I want him to show me a way I wouldn't have dreamed of and most of all I want him to challenge me. I don't mean argue or fight, I mean challenge me to my core. Take the reigns and lead me in a path I wouldn't have chosen for myself. Today was our first official day of our new "CDD Boot Camp". Although he can't be here all the time (he has to work) this will give him the opportunity to give me large and small orders and see how I handle them. He will have to be more "hands on" no doubt but I am willing to do WHATEVER it takes to make this happen.

So I was being insolent and he ordered me to the corner but not like before he told me parade rest. I didn't know what to make of this, he was serious. He had me stand there until I stood perfectly still in that position. It was challenging to say the least and I could hold it no more so I broke bearing. He then ordered me to do push ups, dirty dogs, and something else. I was so tired and this was before I was being punished. After a while he called me to him. I always kneel in front of him when I am being reprimanded or asking forgiveness. He then tapped me on the bottom and sent me on my way.

He wants to do what is called "submission exercises" that help me practice being submissive to him. He will take me in the hall and have me give him oral sex for a time being not all the way just enough to get him aroused and then he will dismiss me. Anal sex has also played a part in this as well, and I submitted to that too. He has me wear dresses (for this period) and no panties while the kids are away playing but it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. He also insists now that he shave me twice a month. Another order I thought would be hard. It wasn't and it still isn't. While he has never required me to go out in public without panties, he did say he reserves the right to have me remove them while we are out during this intensified CDD training. Tonight though was one I thought I wouldn't do no matter what. We were making love by the fire and I told him for these 21 days you own me! Totally I will not balk, or even question why you want to do something. I am totally yours. So I asked him where he would like to orgasm? I thought for sure he would say anal, but to my surprise he said, "in your mouth." I was floored and just frantically shook my head, "yes, Sir". That is how I must answer every order he gives, and he said I must swallow. I was a little put off but agreed (like I had a choice) I would be breaking the vow I gave him at the beginning of this. Plus I am afraid if I try to talk him out of anything right now he will shy away from ordering me again. So as we went I asked him if I would be punished if I did not comply, he said, "severely" and I was full of dread. It really wasn't that bad and I hopefully showed him what I am willing to do to be the submissive wife I need to be and in turn hope he will strive to be a wonderful HOH.

What I have learned from this experience is that submission is not real if its on my terms. If I dictate "limits" and what I will and will not submit to its not real. I want it to be real, to be second nature. That is my goal. During this time I have to ask for almost everything, I have limited computer time and detailed lists that are to be approved. He also has a daily chore list to ensure I am completing my chores effectively and can be inspected at any time. he has an eye for detail (was his job in the Navy) so I had better learn to start putting things where they go and get on point. He also awarded me nightly punishment spankings (maybe daily too if I am not careful) until further notice.

So I want a challenge, I want something that changes me little by little until I am grown into the woman I should be. If I could do it alone I wouldn't have asked to be spanked for every sin. Its bigger than me and I need his help. I hope Day 2 is as good or better. I can't wait to see what little surprises he has for me


Mandy